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How You Look When You​’​re Falling Down

by Birthmark

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1.
Hi, hey, how’s it going? See you soon. Thanks a lot. I’ll be pushing these papers ‘till the papercuts bleed me out. When my baby grows up to be a famous dancer my baby’s growing up to be the fishiest queen on the dance floor. Lah-de-dah. Why you look at me? I’m just trying to experience shyness. Everybody seems to need a lot more practice. Why you look at me? I’m just trying to experience shyness. Stand up straight / Smile like a dentist. Find yourself in the funhouse even if it’s not that fun. Find yourself in a parking lot on your shortcut home. Find yourself at a bus stop and even if the buses don’t stop you need to find yourself free. In the very near future you will worry much less, yes. Hands in your pockets and a beat in your chest, yes. Every sound that you hear is the universe whispering “yes.” Through with the needles and abandoning that haystack, yes. Find yourself shaking hands with yourself in the funhouse even if it’s not that fun. Find yourself in a parking lot on your shortcut home. Find yourself at a bus stop and even if the buses don’t stop you need to find yourself free. You’re in a silent forest among the fallen trees. You need to find yourself free. Hi, hey. Hi, hey.
2.
I only open my eyes when I’m looking at a picture of a place I’m going. But when I get to the place I’m going I’m still looking at the picture I’m holding. I try not to notice how you look when you’re falling down. I try not to notice when you’re too proud to take a hand. I try not to notice when your body is showing. I try not to notice when you’re feeling beneath them. Them and their beautiful faces. In the middle of the night in the shadow of the sun feeling upside down bumming around like some earthbound no ones When we’re further down the line and we’ve grown further apart with time and we’re alone in the dark, my dear, can we keep our little spark? I was by myself. I was outside blinded by the sunlight and crashed my bike so I said “thank you” and my “thank you” multiplied. I try not to notice how you look when you’re falling down. I try not to notice when you’re too proud to take a hand. I try not to notice when your body is showing. I try not to notice when you’re feeling beneath them. Them and their beautiful faces. In the middle of the night in the shadow of the sun feeling upside down bumming around like some earthbound no ones When we’re further down the line and we’ve grown further apart with time and we’re alone in the dark, my dear, can we keep our little spark?
3.
I’m always in a hurry, hurry, hurry. I only got one problem, it’s that nobody knows my problems. Is this the right time to be messing around with only one idea left in the incubator? I was born in a small house in the middle of the country, now I’m living in an even smaller house in the biggest city and I only got one problem. Is this the right time to be messing around with only one beer left in the refrigerator? I was born in a small house but I’m used to big spaces. Now I’m living in a tiny little house surrounded by a million faces and I only got one problem, it’s that nobody knows my problems. I can run so fast but I’m always late. I can run so fast. You should hear my drum. You should hear my drum, it’s so fast that the beat of my drum becomes a steady hum.
4.
Good morning. I love watching you when you’re sleeping. I love waking up real slow. I love waking up together. But you see, I got this thing. Something’s going to take you away from me. Louder than the sirens in the street I feel it like an earthquake under my feet. An alarm is sounding, sounds can be so alarming. Ever since I found out about the hole in your heart and that you only should’ve lasted two days an alarm is sounding. Sounds can be so alarming. Must be a firestorm burning the house down. Must be a hurricane washout. Must be that I bet less and lose more. All I do is worry when I’ll fall, worrying a hole in it all. I see the fire come, I see the hurricane. Hurry up and take me out. Give me a holiday, a stroke of lightning holiday.
5.
Don’t make me laugh. Don’t make me cry anymore. Don’t make me hop on my bad foot to see you smile. Don’t make me jealous moaning in your sleep. I want to be whatever you need, I want to learn you to the core, I want to be better at something bigger than nothing to my favorite thing. You and me head to head, no contest. Don’t make me laugh. Don’t make me cry anymore. Don’t make me hop on my bad foot. How ‘bout on my good foot? Now I can’t believe that you’re pretending to be asleep. I want to be whatever you need. I want to love you to the core. I want to be better at something bigger than nothing to my favorite thing. You and me head to head, no contest. Open your eyes underwater. Watch the shimmer facing sunward. I live in a two-way mirror. I am backward, you are forward.
6.
I know right where to begin. From the outside looking in. I have felt burning from my reflection, burning on the outside looking in. I stepped up to bat one time and I nearly lost my life. I guess my favorite things have always been just a little bit crooked and crooked don’t fit right in. Good heavens it’s lonely in a crowd when it’s crowded and loud and you’re addicted to love. Ever since I picked up my baby from town everything I say she wants to shut down. Just come a little bit closer crooked you. I can’t picture you picking a fight but I can picture you kicking yourself all night. If the battle is all in your brain then our battle cries are both the same. I got a crooked heart and it’s getting stronger. I’m filling out this crooked suit of armor. I know right where to begin. From the outside looking in. I have felt yearning for recognition, lurking on the outside looking in. When you grow up to ten times your size, you and your headaches grow side by side. And when you favorite things have always been a little bit crooked, crooked don’t fit right in.
7.
I’m trading in. I’m trading my right now for everything. I don’t know what’s ahead… might get my throat bent HEY! Or have a violent and confusing reaction. A snack before bedtime turns into a nightmare. When your mother said “Everything will be just fine,” she meant stop asking me that, and while you’re at it stop touching that. Won’t you please stay near me? You’re the only one strong enough. You’re the only one. You’re the loveliest dropout I know. Won’t you please stand next to me? Tell me about your insecurities? You’re the only one. You’re an only child and it shows. Science. Childbirth Technology. Pep talk on your birthday. A Violent and Confusing Reaction. This is the sound of a disembodied voice. This is the sound of the Universe giving birth. This is the sound of Rising and Falling. Won’t you please stay near me? You’re the only one strong enough. You’re the only one. You’re the loveliest dropout I know. Won’t you please stand next to me? Tell me about your insecurities? You’re the only one. You’re an only child and it shows.
8.

about

For Nate Kinsella, the music he plays as Birthmark creates a place for his mind to go to get away from the real world. On his last album, 2012’s achingly intimate Antibodies, he explored quiet, contemplative terrain. But on his fourth LP, How You Look When You’re Falling Down, Kinsella actively sought to create a more positive and energized place.

Much of the album’s inspiration came from Kinsella’s move from Illinois to NYC, which pushed him out of his Midwestern comfort zone in every imaginable way. He discovered an electrical charge in the sudden anonymity he found in his new home, especially after spending so much time in the Chicago music scene, where the Kinsella name is a big deal and he’s still better known for playing with his cousin Mike in American Football and Owen and his cousin Tim in Joan of Arc and Make Believe.

Kinsella began creating How You Look When You’re Falling Down by setting up a drum kit at a friend’s carpentry shop and improvising beats at randomly selected BPMs. Over the next two years, he and producer Jason Cupp (who also worked on Antibodies) fleshed out the record’s eight tracks with horn arrangements by members of the iconic New York Afrobeat group Antibalas and TV On the Radio’s touring band, strings by the acclaimed contemporary classical Mivos Quartet, and harp by the up-and-coming Brandee Younger.

And yet, even with this impressive list of collaborators, Kinsella provided most of the album’s instrumentation – including all of the drums, bass, guitar, piano, organ, keyboards, vibraphone, and marimba – to produce his own signature blend of intimate acoustic sounds and gently psychedelic electronic textures.

More than just the sounds you hear, How You Look When You're Falling Down is truly the product of Kinsella’s circumstances and environment. No matter where he happened to be – an apartment in San Francisco, a studio in Williamsburg, an isolated farmhouse in Indiana, a tiny closet inside a friend’s condo in Chicago – Kinsella took full advantage of every opportunity to work on the album, wherever life took him.

This tendency to incorporate diverse experiences and sounds extended to Kinsella’s honeymoon in Bali, where he had the unique opportunity to hear live Gamelan music and practice his own playing with a village priest. The influence of this traditional Indonesian ensemble music can be heard in the interlocking vibraphone patterns on “Sounds Can Be So Alarming” and the Javanese gong, kenong, gender, and bonang that Kinsella plays on the album’s instrumental closer, “Body Aches and Butterflies.”

Throughout his latest record, Kinsella leads his explorations with his heart and his experimentation turns out to be as accessible as it is daring. He’s discovered a new space that music can take him mentally — an idyllic vacation spot with warm brass, shimmering strings, gracious pop hooks, and a touch of harp.

Put on How You Look When You’re Falling Down, close your eyes, and join him there.

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released October 16, 2015

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